NEW YORK, FICTIONAL TOWER — MegaCorp Global Holdings LLC announced Tuesday a "revolutionary" wellness program that eliminates traditional health insurance in favor of what CEO Bradford Flexington called "holistic coverage of the spirit."
"We found that 94% of medical claims could be avoided if employees simply chose not to get sick," Flexington explained at a launch event featuring a fire dancer and no licensed physicians.
The new package includes unlimited access to a meditation app, a weekly "gratitude circle," and a discount on gym memberships employees cannot afford because they work at MegaCorp.
When asked what happens if an employee breaks a leg, HR Director Pam Clipboard smiled serenely and said, "Have you tried breathing?"
Employees have responded by unionizing in a group chat with 847 unread messages.