LEAFINGTON, POP. 4,200 — In an emergency session Thursday, the Leafington Town Council passed Resolution 47-B, officially declaring "hostile relations" with deciduous foliage.
"We're not anti-tree," Mayor Patricia Crumple clarified at a press conference held atop a rake. "We're pro-accountability. These leaves have been falling with zero notice for decades. Where's the transparency?"
The resolution requires all trees within city limits to submit a "Seasonal Shedding Intent Form" at least 30 days before dropping a single leaf. Failure to comply may result in a strongly worded letter and mandatory attendance at a composting workshop.
Local arborist Biff Oakenshield, who is definitely a real person we didn't invent, called the measure "botanically unenforceable but emotionally satisfying."
Residents have been asked to bag their grievances along with their leaves.