Scientists Confirm Gravity Still Working, Nation Relieved

GENEVA, FICTIONAL CAMPUS — The International Institute of Things Falling Down announced Monday that gravity remains "fully operational" after extensive testing involving apples, spoons, and one intern's lunch.

"People were anxious," said lead researcher Dr. Yvette Plummet. "With everything else going on — AI, climate, whatever a 'vibe shift' is — we wanted to reassure the public that dropping your phone will still result in sadness."

The study involved dropping 47,000 objects from various heights, including a wedding cake, a metaphor, and a man named Doug who volunteered for "science."

Critics called the study a waste of funding. Supporters called it "the most reassuring waste of funding since the Pentagon's olive drab research."

Gravity declined to comment, as it is a fundamental force and also very busy.